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Euro 2012 having ended over a week ago, and the functionaries' closing banquet having concluded a few hours ago, Uefa wasted no time this morning taking decisive action on the burning football issues of the moment: with minimal ado, the governors of Europe's most popular sport resolved that, what the heck, at their next meeting they shall have

both winter and summer truffles!

Before breaking for a pre-elevenses snack, delegates also passed motions enshrining pineapple juice as the mandatory tenderiser for wild boar and outlawing the poaching of swordfish, which should instead be sautéed or seared in a hot pan. In the Crouch-thin window between elevenses and the pre-luncheon repast, the tireless officials even found time to address The Case of Jack Wilshere, featuring one of the most dastardly acts of gambling-related football villainy since Nicklas Bendtner wore underwear with a bookmaker's name on it.

We say "since" but in fact Wilshere's depraved act occurred several months before the Dane's Y-frontery. Back in December 2011, the Arsenal midfielder, who at the time was convalescing from an injury that was supposed to be healed in a couple of weeks, took to Twitter to preview his team's Big Cup tie with Olympiakos and tip Emmanuel

Frimpong to score a goal, observing that at 150-1 his team-mate was "worth a cheeky £10".

After the match he returned to Twitter to reassure folks that: "I didn't actually bet on the game. I know we're not allowed to! I was only messing, just to be clear." But that was not enough to escape the wrath of Uefa, who, seven months on, sprang into action. "We confirm that the player has received a warning by Uefa's control and disciplinary body," belched a Uefa wonk today, who, some time between dessert course one and two, may also announce that another federation has been fined two and six pence for racist chanting by thousands of fans. The Fiver, therefore, will continue monitoring Uefa's website, where in keeping with the current climate of our struggle to fill your daily football email, the top story is currently an interview with Joey Gudjonsson about football and "family dinners".


"It's an insult to our history, that colour belongs to another team. We invite fans not to come to San Siro wearing that shirt" - Inter ultras write a letter to club chairman Massimo Moratti informing him they have cordially invited the club's fans to boycot the club's new red away shirt [with thanks to Inter Jimbo Horncastle].


CPS Lawyer: "Are your domestic circumstances, whatever happened with [Wayne Bridge's partner] a no-go area?"

EBJT: "Clearly not."

CPS Lawyer: "You are respected in the football community, aren't you?"

EBJT: "I'd like to think so."


"Re: the whereabouts of Heather Thomas from The Fall Guy (Mark Thomas, yesterday's Fiver Letters). I was typing a pedantic 'I think you'll find ...' type email about her changing her name and going on to greater fame and fortune before I decided to run an online check of my 'facts'. Good job I did too as I would have made an absolute idiot of myself otherwise. Was I alone in spending my teenage years thinking that Heather Thomas and Heather Locklear were one and the same person?" - Tim Grey.

"Heather Thomas? Well there's another childhood memory obliterated. I always thought it was Heather Locklear" - Graham Quick.

"Re: the most suitable shopping emporium for David Beckham to spend his time shopping while he was suspended last weekend (Fivers passim). Surely the Beckhams would head to Wimbledon's shopping centre, the aptly named Centre Court? That boasts a Debenhams and eyebrow threading stalls?" - Robert Langham.

"Re: the tardiness of yesterday's Fiver (yesterday's Last Line). Working from home, I tend to consider my day finished when the Fiver appears in my inbox. Often this results in pleasant 4.15pm finishes, but yesterday I worked longer than normal, only to be told that you knew I was waiting and didn't care. Your pretence at callousness fools no-one - if you didn't care, why did you apologise?" - Keith Hennigan.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.


Step one: open an account with Blue Square and deposit any amount; step two: place a bet of at least £5 on any sport; step three: we will match your bet with a free bet of up to £25.

* Careful, Jack


We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they weren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.


In a bid to throw everyone who knows he's really about to become manager of Russia off the scent, Roberto Mancini has inked a new five-year deal with Manchester City.

Levski Sofia have signed Everton's Portuguese striker Joao Silva, who leaves Goodison Park after a fruitful two-and-a-half years in which he made the same number of appearances for the club as the Fiver.

Just Fackin' Run Abaht A Bit Dept: Having seen how well 'e man-managed Roman Pavlyuchenko at Tottenham, Moscow blazers have shortlisted master tactician 'Arry Redknapp for the vacant Russia national team job.

And ... em ... errrr ...


We haven't got much football to hawk down here this afternoon, so have a look at these exclusive behind-the-scenes photos of cyclist Bradley Wiggins looking like a bass technician for Ocean Colour Scene instead.

Not only do we have very little football to plug, we've got lots of No Cricket too. Join Rob Smyth as he provides over-by-over coverage of a rain-sodden empty field in Manchester.

Want to see a football choreographer and 40 children doing a passable imitation of Arsenal trying to walk the ball into the net for the GiveMore charidee campaign? Of course you do.

And in tomorrow's all-singing, all-dancing £1.20 Big Paper: Quick Crossword No13,158, some recently deceased folk reviewed in Obituaries and the latest rain updates in Weather Forecast.


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