O'NEWCO RANGERS OUT?
These are stressful times for the Pope's O'Newco Rangers, who will find out on Wednesday if they'll spend next season in a low-rent, sparsely attended Scottish fitbaw league populated by players nobody's ever heard of … or get kicked out of the Euro Disnae League. With the old O'Rangers famous for being so loyal to the Queen they'd do anything for her except pay taxes, the top-flight status of the O'Newco Rangers is hanging in the balance, not least because they're relying on the votes of the teams they've been shafting for years to save their skin.
Depending on various factors which the Fiver won't bore you with because it's largely beyond our ken, after a series of meetings and votes to be held today and tomorrow, O'Newco Rangers will soon find out in which of fitbaw's four divisions they'll be playing come August. Of course, chief among those factors is Spite Of Shafted Clubs v Financial Prudence of Shafted Clubs, with several EDL clubs being all too aware that, from a fiscal point of view, refusing O'Newco Rangers a spot in the top flight and almost certainly losing loads of telly money as a result would be tantamount to Haggises voting for Burns Night.
"I know the chairmen will listen," said O'Newco Rangers chief executive Charles Green, who has no idea whether or not the chairmen will listen. Which is why he's been busily lobbying them in the hope of getting the 8-4 majority his O'Newco Rangers team needs to be given a place in the top flight. But with seven clubs having already publicly stated they'll be voting "nooooooo!", Green is relying on assorted EDL club suits putting revenue before fan pressure and bloodlust, and changing their minds.
In a last-ditch bid for clemency, the new regime at O'Newco Rangers today resorted to grovelling, with tartan suit Malcolm Murray apologising to all of Scottish football for the shenanigans of his predecessors. "On behalf of the new board of directors, I apologise unreservedly to all for the distress, disruption and difficulty inflicted on the football community, caused entirely by the actions of people who failed miserably to act responsibly during their stewardship of [O'] Rangers," he said in a statement, that went on to outline how O'Newco Rangers want to play a role in creating a Scottish fitbaw Utopia in which fans of every stripe, hoop and shade mingle freely while marvelling at rainbows and unicorns.
Despite his optmism, whatever division O'Newco Rangers end up in next season, their problems will only be beginning – with the club skint and forbidden from entering the transfer market, more than 10 of their best players and Kyle Lafferty have already done one from Ibrox. Scottish fitbaw attracts no shortage of criticism for being boring, but at the moment it's anything but predictable and dull.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
22 May: "It's not all about money. Obviously money comes into the scenario" – Grant Holt's infamous come-and-get-me plea after submitting a transfer request to Norwich City.
3 July: "I'm really pleased we've agreed things and that I've got a three-year deal which gives me and my family a bit of security" – Grant Holt signs a new three-year deal at Norwich City.
AVB IN
The departure of 'Arry Redknapp caused massive problems in football, leaving Jamie Redknapp with no one to make wildly biased comments about on Sky Sports. Fortunately, Spurs have solved the problem by appointing Andre Villas-Boas as manager. Although confusingly, Jamie's new father figure is a 12-year-old boy.
"Andre shares our long-term ambitions and ethos of developing players and nurturing young talent, and he will be able to do so now at a new world class training centre," said the Spurs chairman, David Levy, failing to add AVB also has an ethos of alienating older talent. "Tottenham Hotspur is a great club with a strong tradition and fantastic support, both at home and throughout the world," said AVB, squatting on the sideline in an oversized mac. "I feel privileged to be its coach."
So all seems well at Spurs, until they sack AVB halfway through the season and install a former West Brom manager as his replacement. Hang on, what's Roy Hodgson up to these days?
FIVER LETTERS
"I will rise to Dylan McCullough's baited barb about whether there are even 1,057 MLS watching fans (yesterday's letters). My beloved Portland Timbers play to a 10,000-plus sell-out at every home game and have a waiting list for season tickets. This despite the fact that we're absolutely rubbish" – Paul Dixon.
"First off, the MLS average attendance in 2012 was 17,872, compared to the Championship average attendance in 2011-12 of 17,678. Secondly, some of the dullest, poorest football I've sat through was the result of Alex McLeish's managerial technique, and he's not made his way Stateside. There is far worse football out there than that in MLS. Let's STOP MLS BASHING. That is all" – Brian Scorben.
"The Euro final put the promotion of soccerball in the USA! USA!! USA!!! back several decades. As a competitive spectacle it was over when Italy went down to 10 men and as the result was a foregone conclusion from then on – why bother to continue to watch? It is amazing to this side of the pond that this fiasco has not caused a debate in Europe about the need to overhaul the substitute rules. Is it therefore, time for the Fiver to initiate a campaign to change the substitute rules, to ensure the game stays competitive and, in so doing, perhaps save the future of soccerball over here? Surely Uefa would listen, just look how fast they responded to the goalline technology requests after the last World Cup nonsense" – Trevor Wastell.
"Re: the football live blog penguin (Fiver letters passim). If that's a penguin then England's approach to football is one that the Spanish should quickly adopt before it's too late. It is, without a shadow of doubt, a kookaburra wearing an overly starched tie that's about to be whacked on the head by a rugby ball and is clearly a clever visual dig at the demise of Australian sport on the international stage as witnessed by its recent, and joyful, failings on cricket, rugby and Socceroo pitches" – Daniel Kennedy.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
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BITS AND BOBS
Brendan Rodgers is confident he can fend off interest from the likes of Juventus and keep Luis Suarez at Anfield. "I've had a brilliant chat with Luis," gasped Rodgers. "He's really looking forward to being here and we are obviously hoping that we can get him on to another new contract."
Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Jeremy Menez and Yann M'Vila have all been summoned to the headmaster's office after talking in class during Euro 2012. "[They] are summoned to appear before the [French Football Federation] disciplinary committee," said FFF president, Noel Le Graet. "And they can forget about going out at lunchtime," he didn't add.
QPR have signed Manchester United defender Fabio da Silva on a season-long loan. "He's got great enthusiasm as well, and just like his brother, he's a top professional," said Mark Hughes, checking the sticker on the back of Fabio's head in the hope Manchester United had sent the better twin.
And Blackeye Rovers have snapped up Leon Best from Newcastle, with the club also in talks to sign former Portugal striker Nuno Gomes, 78.
STILL WANT MORE?
While the other 15 teams wallow in self-pity and wonder where it all went wrong for them at the Euros, Spain have already moved on and are thinking about winning the next World Cup, warns Sid Lowe.
Fancy having a gander at Franck Ribery in the tub? Then get clicking on our 'favourite' images from the Euros gallery.
Nietzschean ubermensch Jack Wilshere can do just about everything, reckons Roberto Martínez via Daniel Taylor, even helping England overcome their obsession with bulk and brawn over skill and talent.
And from ears running away to Roy Hodgson as Blakey, this week's instalment of the Gallery is all about your Euro 2012 memories. Sigh.
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