Today's guff is bagpiping fact into fiction ...
Only one footballer appears in Time Magazine's recently published list of the 100 most influential folk who inhabit this here planet (clue, it's not Wayne Rooney) but don't let his absence from today's fresh-from-the-oven batch of transfer rumours let you believe that these tales aren't the real deal. In fact, who can really put any store in an organisation who didn't allow Ronnie O'Brien to be named Man of the Century?
The current Time list excludes the almighty overlord of Great Britain, David Cameron, but thankfully Pippa Middleton is there – a resounding victory for those who feel it's important to get in shape before a family member's wedding. Sadly there was no place for Britain's other two pillars of decency, Lord Sugar and Gok Wan. Indeed, a cursory glance at the list may lead you to think that it's not really based in fact at all and is merely designed to gain attention for the publication through a series of outlandish statements. Which leads us nicely to today's transfer rumours.
Barcelona are set to launch a summer bid for Gallopin' Gareth Bale. We've been here before, of course, but this time it's serious. Barça suits feel the Tottenham man will integrate nicely into the club's system – what with the shared love of hair gel and all – and will make their move this summer provided their curmudgeonly head honcho Pep Guardiola approves the deal.
Having proved that he can still hack it at the highest level with his performance against Barcelona, Didier Drogba will promptly leave the highest level at the next available opportunity to join Shanghai Shenhua on a £6.7m a year deal. That's £6.7m folks. Drogba may not be the only one on his way out of Stamford Bridge. Juventus are keen on signing reluctant hero Salomon Kalou and Popeye impersonator Raul Meireles. Chelsea may make a move for Shakhtar Donetsk striker/record producer Will.I.An.
David Gill has promised an "interesting" summer at Manchester United, leading to speculation that Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Owen could be shown the door at Old Trafford, which doesn't sound that interesting at all. We would rather believe that Gill means that with the players and staff gone he will finally be able to sit down and work his way through Eric Hobsbawm's collections of European history tomes.
Martin O'Neill has lifted his Woody Allen glasses and made some glistening glances towards Gabby Agbonlahor but Aston Villa will tell their former manager to back off unless he can come up with 12 million quid for the striker.
Arsenal will throw £7m at Montpellier in exchange for defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, while Roberto Martínez has told Victor Moses he is not ready to leave Wigan. Moses may have other ideas and is currently lying on his bead listening to Bryan Ferry records wondering what life might be like if he was to become a jazz musician in Paris.
Mark Hughes will offer Danny Murphy a coaching role at Queens Park Rangers, His first task will, presumably, be to explain the offside rule and most of the other laws of the game) to Djibril Cissé.
And Leicester manager Nigel Pearson is battling Everton boss David Moyes (presumably in a topless arm-wrestling contest) for Mons striker Jérémy Perbet who, it is safe to assume, will never be named among the world's 100 most influential people.
Oh, and Levon Helm has died. But he's not on the Time list either.
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