PHIL TO BURSTING
In the couple of days since Italy's 0-0 annihilation of England, entire families of spider monkeys have had their homes hacked down so that every scribe in Fleet Street can proclaim the virtues of the hitherto-obscure world champion and multiple Big Cup winner Andrea Pirlo. Give the midfielder a headscarf and a pair of hoop earrings and he would look exactly like a caravan-based clairvoyant, yet the extent of his vision came as a surprise to many, perhaps including Roy Hodgson, who made like a friendly farmer on Sunday and gave him the freedom of the field.
While many wondered why Hodgson did not come up with a plan to meddle with Pirlo's scheming, others had different questions: for instance, orange gameshow host Phil Brown, refraining manfully from airing his query in the form of a song, wondered why, if this guy was so hot, he never left serial trophy-winners Milan or Juventus to come play for, say, Hull City. "I think the Premier League is the best league in the world, and I think that's the reason we're attracting the better foreign players, but why hasn't the likes of Pirlo played in England?" blabbered Brown on Radio 5 Live last night, before venturing: "Is he just homophobic? Is he Italian through and through?"
The Fiver has always prided itself on being a total foppotee so would obviously never mis-use a word. And if we were to hold BBC pundits to similarly high standards, we would have to deduce that Brown intended to out the whole Premier League. But it could be that he really was murklins about the meaning of the word or just got his tongue in a jam – and that actually he meant to say 'xenophobic'. In which case the thrust of his suggestion can only be explained by downright stupidity.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"George Graham's regime was like living in Iraq under Saddam [Hussein]. He was disgusting" – former Arsenal midfielder Anders Limpar goes a little over the top on his old Arsenal manager.
FIVER LETTERS
"Perhaps the most dispiriting thing about the goalless shoeing England got in Kiev is that sections of the English media will latch on to the fact that Pirlo is older than $tevie Mbe and not much younger than Frank Lampard and misconstrue this as sufficient grounds to extend the England pair's roundly underwhelming international careers. If only any England manager of the last 10 or 15 years had given as much respect to Paul Scholes' gifts rather than trying to shoehorn him in on the left to accomodate these two, then maybe England's passing game wouldn't be so utterly unworthy of the name. Still, at least England's press conferences were friendlier this time" – Jason Tew.
"After hearing how the Pope's O'Newco Rangers will be starting in the Scottish equivalent to our Ryman's Premier League, I'm wondering how on earth Scottish football will survive? It has survived on the Old Firm derby for the last 20 years. Surely it's just time for them to declare Scottish football dead? You know you're struggling as a league when St Mirren are favourites for a Big Cup spot. Let's hope common sense prevails and they abolish Scottish football and that the SFA takes up your mantle for the STOP FOOTBALL campaign" – Steve Ash.
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BITS AND BOBS
France defender Bacary Sagna has lamented the infighting that he believes killed off Les Bleus' Euro 2012 hopes. That and Spain. "People would take me for a madman for saying that, but I saw a team that could go to the final," wailed Sagna. "I was especially annoyed to hear the stories going around. It's a waste of a competition. Everything was avoidable."
Jogi Lurrrrve has revealed Bastian Schweinsteiger is fully fit for Thursday's Euro 2012 semi-final against Italy.
Aston Villa are in talks with Feyenoord over securing a £3m deal for Morocco midfielder Karim El Ahmadi. "Karim is a player who I feel could definitely improve our squad," cheered Paul Lambert, giving his target the big undersell.
Uefa has opened disciplinary proceedings against both the Spanish football federation and the Russian football union for the r@cist behaviour and r@cist chanting of their fans at Euro 2012.
And Houston Dynamos defender Geoff Cameron admits he is flattered by reported interest in him from Everton. Sort of. "I wouldn't mind England," he said. "I've always wanted to play there. I'm not going to be picky." Everton it is, then.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe delves into the whole Spain-being-boring debate.
There is all kind of footballing wisdom in Jonathan Wilson's head, including why so many Euro 2012 goals are flying in off the noggin.
AC Jimbo gets his paper review video on as his sums up the continent's reaction to England's exit, Pirlo's brilliance and boring! boring! Spain.
Mario Gomez stars as Morrissey and Super Mario (four times!) in this week's edition of the Gallery.
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