Today's fluff appreciates an umbrella
Being a snooty, chattering classes, London-centric kind of transfer gossip column, the Mill has to adjust its stupid ironic hipster glasses, take off its stupid ironic hipster flat cap and stroke its stupid ironic hipster moustache as it ponders an entity called "the north". The Mill is pretty sure it starts just north of the M25, and is populated by polar bears, woolly mammoths and vulgar people who have never heard of star anise. But even with that scratchy knowledge, we're pretty sure Bury isn't in Scotland. And yet, today's Sun reveals that Rangers plan to buy Bury (the club, not the entire town) and play in the Football League.
"They don't know whether they will be in the SPL next season and do not want to go to the bottom of the ladder," whispers a Sun source. "Acquiring an English club would get them the foothold they have always wanted down south."
"It should be pretty easy," said a Mill source. "I've done it in Championship Manager. I started with Bury in League One and eventually we won the Champions League. I can advise Rangers on this Armenian striker you can get for 15k and he's guaranteed to get you 60 goals a season. Oh, and tell them to sign Michael Duff. Although I think that's in the 03/04 or 02/03 version of the game, so they should scout him first. And another time, I got Beerschot from the Belgian firs..." At which point, we cut off our source because other people's Championship Manager stories are incredibly dull.
Meanwhile, no-Championship-in-eight-years-manager Arséne Wenger has got a bit chippy at Italian journalists asking him about Robin van Persie moving to Juventus. "I am certain that Robin will remain with us," he huffed. "If you want to know why, it is because there is no reason in this world why a great player like Van Persie should go and play for you, in Italy and in your competition. Your football is at an inferior level to the Premier League."
Arsène isn't finished there though. Still spoiling for a fight, he'll roll up his sleeves and ask Roberto Di Matteo out for a "man chat" over the signing of Hatem Ben Arfa from Newcastle. If he does leave Newcastle, Ben Arfa is said to be leaning towards Arsenal because a) he would play more regularly there and b) Wenger's longer reach and rock hard abs will favour him in a spot of fisticuffs with Di Matteo.
Having seen Wenger beat up an Italian, Brendan Rodgers is spoiling for a fight too. He's heard that Manchester City are plotting to spirit Martin Skrtel away from Swanse … What's that? Oh. He's heard that Manchester City are plotting to spirit Martin Skrtel away from Liverpool for £20m. Rodgers will battle Roberto Mancini for the defender's future and has even produced a training montage on the Liverpool website, showing him hitting animal carcasses, running up hills with logs strapped to his back and wrestling a water buffalo.
The water buffalo won.
Norwich City's Chris Hughton will return to his former club Birmingham to sign Jack Butland. According to the Mirror, Butland is available for £4m, which is £3.995m more than he was worth before he was called up to the England squad, even though it hasn't made him any better as a player. Anyway, Hughton will make the move because Paul Lambert is planning to take John Ruddy to Aston Villa.
Swansea City are planning revenge on Liverpool for swiping their manager and have come up with an elaborate plan. They'll sign Otman Bakkal, who Luis Suárez once bit on the shoulder, from PSV Eindhoven. They'll then play him against Liverpool, sending Suárez into a feeding frenzy and landing him a ban that will make Joey Barton's suspension look like an after-school detention. Bakkal will also make a decent replacement for Gylfi Sigurdsson who is off to … Liverpool. They'll need to work on another form of vengeance for that one.
And finally, QPR are in talks to sign Fulham's Danny Murphy; Blackburn want Leon Best; and Heurelho Gomes wants to stay at Tottenham now that Harry Redknapp isn't there to shout at him and make him cry.
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