RYAN GIGGS! RYAN GIGGS! FIVE OLYMPIC RINGS!
The Fiver has always been a keen student of the many ages of Ryan Giggs, maintaining within the crawl space of its private quarters in the eaves of New Guardian Metropolis a Prit-sticked scrapbook detailing in glorious dog-eared detail the 20-year career of a man with an unerring ability to reinvent himself time and again into something still thrillingly relevant, a bit like Madonna or David Milliband.
First there was teenage Ryan, the new-born Premier League's own stick-thin, hair-flopping, sort-of genius with his rare ability to run very fast and leap and prance like a leaf tossed on the breeze, or a prancing baby lemur that isn't very good at taking corners. Then there were the difficult years: troubled Ryan, with his frown and his glamorous visits to provincial theme parks in the company of the red hot celebrity husk-pot Dani Behr. After that came the mature trophy-hoarding Giggs of occasional chest-wigged explosion. Quickly followed by a brief high point of ageless yogic guru-Giggs. And a rapid switch from there into transgressive disco-pensioner Giggs. After which came the current incarnation of theme park Giggs, frowning uber-substitute wheeled out in his dotage to sate the match-day tourists.
As of this weekend, however, yet another model has been added to the roster. Step forward Britain's Brave Ryan Giggs, newly confirmed as captain of Team GB at the forthcoming Olympic Games. It is of course a fully deserved coronation for BBRG, whose career has been completely overshadowed all these years by never being part of a Wales team that gets thrashed in every game at the group stages of a major tournament. Now though BBRG finally has the chance to live the Olympian dream as an inspirational amateur sportsman playing simply for love of the ... er, to represent the nation as a role model of moral rectitude for every ... hmmm. How about: finally has the chance to play on TV in the summer against other countries.
"You are being involved in the Olympics and as a 38-year-old you don't expect to be involved in a tournament like this on home turf," BBRG said yesterday, congratulating assorted newspaper reporters on their involvement in the Olympics at the age of 38, before finally after a long and tortuous explanation being made to understand that it is in fact he, BBRG, who will captain Team GB. "It has always been a disappointment never getting to a major tournament with Wales and that will always remain. It has always been a massive disappointment in my career," BBRG added, rubbing it in a little unnecessarily.
The appointment of BBRG could also be seen as a piece astute political manoeuvring on the part of punk's Stuart Pearce, facing down any lingering Beckham snub issues by roping in a next-best item as captain, and at the same time managing to associate somehow the two phrases "punk's Stuart Pearce" and "astute manoeuvring" in the same sentence. BBRG's Team GB will begin their campaign against Senegal on July 26th, the same day as the god-awful opening ceremony where nothing will work and Boris Johnson will set fire to his hair in front of two billion people.
QUOTE OF THE DAY I
"How many times did you call him a c**t and he call you a c**t?" - a prosecuter asks first witness Anton Ferdinand an important question at the start of England's Brave John Terry's trial for using racist language against the Queens Park Rangers defender, the transcript of which looks set to resemble a Derek and Clive script. EBJT has pleaded not guilty to the charge.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
"I said to him: 'How can you call me a c**t? You shagged your team-mate's missus, you're a c**t!'" - Anton Ferdinand gives an example of the kind of Wildean quips and bon mots exchanged by footballers in the heat of battle.
"Re Friday's Bits and Bobs reporting that David Beckham would have more time for shopping having been banned for "confrontational and provocative behaviour" in a previous match. Shouldn't you have suggested Putney Exchange Shopping Centre (conveniently located on Putney High St with safe and secure parking on two levels) instead of Santa Monica as a suitable shopping destination given that his 'ban' coincided with the Men's singles final at Wimbledon? – Peter McNulty.
"For some reason the 1984 Fall Guy intro is the one I remember best (Fivers passim). Whatever happened to Heather Thomas? Only Wilma in Buck Rogers could hold a candle to her" - Mike Williams.
"Re: Ally McCoist moaning about The Pope's O'Newco Rangers having sbeen punished enough (Friday's Quote of the Day). What he forgets is the 10 point deduction for going into administration was their own fault, as was the fine for letting an unfit person buy the club. The Big Cup spot was taken because they failed to file accounts and the next three-year ban is because they are now a new company without the paperwork required by Uefa, all of which is their own fault. Still it's everyone else who is out to get them" - David Neil.
"The quotes from erstwhile Question of Sport cheeky chappie McCoist show a commendable brass neck. Still, if a club can shaft the entire division, innumerable small creditors and the British exchequer, set up a new company and then have the head of Scottish fitbaw say that somehow punishing you properly for doing so is bad for Scottish fitbaw with a perfectly straight face, it must be hard to conceive that you have any sort of responsibility for your own predicament, let alone that you probably deserve it" - Jason Tew.
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BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham have decided they'd quite like to be Arsenal instead and will soon have their own Belgian defender whose surname beings with V: Ajax's Jan Vertonghen.
Watford's new owners were so impressed by the way Gianfranco Zola led West Ham to the heady heights of 17th that they've given him Sean Dyche's job. Joining Zola as technical director at Vicarage Road will be fellow Italian Gianluca Nani, whose eye for a bargain in the transfer market extended to him bringing the likes of Diego Tristan, Luis Jimenez, Radoslav Kovac, Herita Ilunga, Manuel da Costa and Savio Nsereko to Upton Park. Oh Watford!
And Didier Deschamps has been named as France manager. The Fiver gives it one training session before he locks himself in his office for a little cry.
STILL WANT MORE
Watch this. A lot of people worked very hard on it, it's very entertaining and it features healthy, beautiful people boasting the kind of finely-honed, sculpted bodies most Fiver readers will never have.
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