Today's piffle is a fan of turkey in August
Poor Brendan Rodgers. He went to all the trouble of posing for a photograph under the newly rehung 1970s This Is Anfield sign, wielding a claw hammer, the none-too-subtle subtext being "be reasonable, journalists, you abject shower, or you may find me coming at you in an abrupt fashion at businesslike speed with this", but already they're starting to twist the poor bugger's words. All he said was that Andy Carroll's a "very good player", and that he's going to wait a while before making any major decisions about his squad. But suddenly the faithful, honest, hard-working beast of England is being linked with West Ham United, Fulham, Milan, and Alfred Simmonds of Willingdon.
Or are the press right? Has he been bundled into a large closed van drawn by two horses with lettering on its side and a sly-looking man in a low-crowned bowler hat sitting on the driver's seat? Oh Napoleon! How could you?
Liverpool want Joe Allen as a replacement. Obviously it's not a like-for-like replacement. They play in different positions, and have different approaches to trapping the ball. It's a spiritual and philosophical switcheroo.
Bit of an Anfield special today. The link to Roma striker Fabio Borini we already know about. New deals for Mrtn Skrtl , Daniel Agger and Luis Suárez are all on the cards, though Craig Bellamy is off to a club that effectively doesn't exist any more: the redbirds of Cardiff City. God speed, people of Cardiff, it's not too late, you can do this, we're all behind you.
At the very real risk of boring fans of every single other club in the country, Celtic midfielder Ki Sung-yueng, long-range hero of the 2011 Scottish Cup final, is yet another Liverpool target. Though in a beautiful double irony, he may also become a Ranger – a Queens Park Ranger – in a move which will further show that it's not just the Ibrox club whose stature is swirling down the swannee. God speed, people of Glasgow, it's not too late, you can do this, we're all behind you.
Arsène Wenger has almost certainly admitted defeat by telling Arsenal officials to shovel Robin van Persie off to Manchester United, Manchester City, or Juventus, on account of being bored with the whole brouhaha. He'll look to replace the striker with Fiorentina's Stevan Jovetic or Robert Lewandowski of Borussia Dortmund. God speed, people of Islington, you can etc.
Manchester United are going £20m deep with a bid for Sao Paulo's 19-year-old starlet Lucas Moura. Manchester City, Internazionale and Chelsea are also sniffing about. God speed, supporters of Manchester City, Manchester United, Milan or Fulham, depending on whoever signs etc.
Tottenham Hotspur have already got Brad Friedel, Heurelho Gomes and Carlo Cudicini on the books. AND YET THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!!! André Villas Boas is accordingly after £16m Lyon goalkeeper Hugo Lloris.
Out the other way is defender Kyle Naughton, who will be going to Reading.
Southampton's deals for Steven Davis of Rangers and full-back Alex Buttner of Vitesse Arnhem appear jiggered due to, respectively, international clearance issues, and another undisclosed bid.
And to complete a south-coast Rumour Triptych, Harry Redknapp is interested in becoming the Russia manager, with some shill of his saying: "Would Harry have a problem going to Russia? No. He's ready to go and live in any country." This about a man who infamously turned down the Newcastle job because the Toon was a bit far from Boscombe.
Chelsea are after a couple of full-backs: Porto's Cristian Sapunaru and Senad Lulic from Lazio. We're guessing that Stamford Bridge regulars are so spoilt with transfers during the last decade that two defenders won't excite them. Hence dumping this near the bottom.
Finally, Fulham are close to closing a deal for Hugo Rodallega, who may be a replacement for Liverpool-bound Clint Dempsey. The Cottagers beat Everton to the Wigan player's signature, completing what must have been a thoroughly irritating Rumour Mill for Toffees. And everyone else, but y'know.
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