ROY OF THE INGERLANDS
Perhaps it's because we're so satirical and hilarious and often joke at its expense, but the FA has long had it in for the Fiver. Any time it makes Big Announcement it's invariably scheduled so close to our deadline that we're forced to rattle off a hastily written story that's discreetly padded out to fill space, but on closer examination turns out to be comprised largely of inconsequential and superfluous waffle.
This afternoon the FA conspired against us by refusing to present Roy Hodgson as the new England manager until 4pm, which meant that by the time FA blazers David Bernstein and Trevor Brooking had their say and introduced the former Halmstads, Bristol City, Oddevoid, Orebro, Malmo, Neuchatel Xamax, Switzerland, Inter, Blackeye Rovers, Inter again, Grasshoppers, Copenhagen, Udinese, UAE, Viking, Finland, Fulham, Liverpool and West Brom manager, it was just about time for us to go to press.
So, in summary, while possibly paraphrasing just a tad: "Hello everyone … blah-de-blah … here he is … didn't work out so well for Liverpool … never mind that … over to Sir Trevor who might want to say a few words," declared Bernstein, sitting in front of one of those boards covered in sponsors' names; names like Vauxhall, Mars, Umbro, FA TV. "Yayssssss … well I don't like to talk about the 1980 FA Cup final … West Ham won 1-0 … I scored with a header which was odd because I didn't score many headers, y'know," added Brooking, before handing over to the star turn.
After a short speech in which he said he was "honoured" to have signed a four-year deal to be England manager, Hodgson fielded interrogatory projectiles from the floor. But while the choice of boss may have been a surprise, the questions from the floor remain monotonously predictable, with moustachioed Sky stalwart Nick Collins firing opening salvos that ignored trivial stuff like tactics and that, but focused on tedious subjects such as Rio Ferdinand's ability to play with England's Brave John Terry, Wayne Rooney having to sit out the opening two matches of Euro 2012 on the Naughty Step, the hoary old issue of The Armband and the fact that no matter what way you look at him, Roy Hodgson simply just ain't 'Arry.
Wisely refusing to be drawn on any of the above, Hodgson uttered some suitably pleasant and banal platitudes, while admitting he might have a job on his hands to win over his critics – many of whom were sitting before him. "The only way I can do that is by doing the job, it's important the players buy into what I do and the country does too," he said, buying himself a couple of more weeks before the inevitable savaging begins.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The whole team agreed to make clear that we are not alone just because the owners don't want to talk to us. The owners promised to pay our unpaid wages but they haven't. This was an announcement of our proposed next steps" – Zoran Vaskovic, skipper of Serbian second division leaders Radnicki, explains why his team-mates staged a sitdown protest before last weekend's defeat at Sloga Kraljevo.
MADCHESTER
Not being one of those proper journalists that gets to break big stories by attending press conferences, writing down things people say and then reproducing them in a newspaper, the Fiver wasn't present to witness Liam Gallagher's impromptu post-match performance in the media room at the Etihad Stadium last night. Standing before the biggest, most receptive crowd he's faced since forming Beady Eye, the former Oasis frontman provided an amusing footnote to a much-hyped Premier League title-decider, which finished with the destination of the Premier League title very much undecided.
But considering the schooling Manchester City gave surprisingly overly-defensive opposition that were creakier than the front door of a Transylvanian castle, the assembled hacks didn't need a wild man of rock to tell them that Sir Alex Ferguson's side's best hope of winning the title this season now lies with City's legendary, heroic and comical capacity for machine-gunning themselves in the foot.
For the time being, however, it is Ferguson who has been left hopping up and down, swearing cartoon-style as he tried to staunch the flow of blood from the smoking holes in his shoes. Having sworn blind shortly before kick-off that he'd "never sent a team out to play for a draw in my life", Fergie's players proceeded to prove his point by putting in the kind of toothless, lethargic performance that suggested they might actually have been sent out to lose. [Note to Fiver Lawyers: the Fiver is emphatically not suggesting that Manchester United's players might actually have been sent out to lose.]
Astonishingly, for champions playing their fiercest rivals with their title on the line, Manchester United failed to muster a single shot on goal last night, while their only attacks of note were those launched by their manager on his opposite number during and after the match. "He refereed the game," moaned Fergie, showing the kind of self-awareness for which his name has long been a byword. "He was out on that touchline the whole game haranguing the referee, the fourth official and the linesmen," he added, evidently disgruntled that as well as losing his Premier League crown to Mancini, the Italian is after his role as referees' assessor too.
FIVER LETTERS
"Guardian today. Centre spread. Photos of alpacas. The one top left on p26 is a dead ringer for David de Gea. I have no idea what to do with this information, so sent it to you. The one below looks like Samuel L Jackson, but as he's not a footballer I've even less idea who to tell" – Simon Cherry.
"In reply to David Edgar (yesterday's Fiver letters), Pope's O'Rangers fans aren't the first post-1992 to partake in a non-pub-we-were-in-to-match-we-were-going-to-anyway march. Sean Bean and Sheffield United fans can trump that. They've avoided being in the same division as West Ham since then, presumably to prolong their protest. Saturday's result suggests there's no end in sight" – Ian Sargeant.
"Re: the bigness comments (yesterday's Fiver). Though the BFG himself was big, it has annoyed me since a young age that among all the other giants he was by far the smallest in the book. So, at best, 'BFG' is tautologous, at worst – as a small elephant is much bigger than a large mouse – it is just inaccurate. I am sorry to say this is just one of several glaring errors in the book" – Michael Hunt.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Hull City's head of football operations Adam Pearson has been ushered out of the KC Stadium. Manager Nick Barmby may well be next …
Officious new Chelsea signing Marko Marin says his investigations into life at Stamford Bridge have produced nothing to worry about. "I have done my research but I'm not afraid," he purred.
And Sunderland midfielder Cristian Riveros, who we thought had long departed these shores, has joined Turkish club Kayserispor.
STILL WANT MORE?
Want to impress your mates with your in-depth knowledge of the Championship season? Got half an hour to spare? Then you want our bloggers' end-of-season report.
Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa is here.
And Cristiano Ronaldo in a jetpack? Check! $tevie Mbe in a tutu? Check! Ashley Young as a n@ked baby! You betcha! It can only be this week's Gallery.
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