FINAL COUNTDOWN
Like David Brent, England's Brave and Loyal John Terry just wants to be remembered as a man who put a smile on the face of all he met. While this philosophy may work very well with the wives and girlfriends of … [snip – Fiver lawyers] the rest of us all too often have to make do with the snarling, pug-like spectacle of EBLJT bounding about ensconced in a seemingly impenetrable bubble of his own self-contentment.
But history has taught us that the one place where EBLJT can be guaranteed to bring a smile to the masses is when he is on the biggest stage of all. Whose frown did not turn upside down when EBLJT slipped while taking what would have been the decisive penalty in the 2008 Big Cup final?
And only the coldest of characters could have anything but smirk as EBLJT took to the stage in South Africa and issued a call to arms – or 'pick Joe Cole' as it is also known – during the 2010 World Cup, only to be seen just a few days later staring into the sky as if a fleet of alien craft were headed towards earth when actually it was just Manuel Neuer's goal-kick sailing over his head and into the path of Miroslav Klose to open the scoring for Germany.
But tomorrow night in the the Stadium Formerly Known as the Allianz Arena, hastily rebranded the Fussball Arena by Uefa's sponsorship police, we will all be denied this as the suspended EBLJT will watch his troops take on Bayern Munich in Big Cup final as helpless as a fussball player who has managed to get the ball trapped under his feet and needs someone to come along and shake the table in order to get the game restarted.
It has been suggested that EBLJT will make up for his absence from the field by delivering a stirring pre-match speech, which may or may not contain snippets from Any Given Sunday, to a Chelsea squad that is so depleted by suspension that instead of giving away free plastic flags they may as well hand out places on the bench.
"I don't share the euphoria that we are definitely the favourites, certainly not against Chelsea," the Bayern Munich manager Jupp Heynckes said today, trying to play down home advantage, though his point lost validity somewhat as he was wearing pyjamas at the time having taken the whole working from home thing a little too far.
Roberto Di Matteo said some things too – probably the opposite to Heynckes – but the timing of his press conference threatened to jeopardise the Fiver's cup final, a 4:59pm appointment with a bar stool, so we couldn't wait around. As EBLJT knows too well, missing out on the big occasion is no laughing matter.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"A man's head is always complicated" – Cristiano Ronaldo finally confirms why he was pictured with painted toenails a few years ago.
A SMALL VICTORY FOR SWANSEA
The Fiver's never had a proper job. Or ever been loved, except by that one woman who gave it special cuddles for spare change that time in Weird Uncle Fiver's special place. But if a rival media outlet that had just sacked its own tea-timely email due to performing poorly came along and asked it if it wanted to make snippy comments about footballers for a few extra pence and a bigger impossible-to-please bunch of readers who loved the old tea-timely email as though it was their mum anyway, you can bet your bottom dollar it would say "no siree, you can stick it, thank you very much."
Which is why the Fiver is a bit surprised at the hysterical reaction to Swansea manager Christopher Ecclestone's rejection of Liverpool's offer of an interview for the manager's job at Anfield. An interview that could only guarantee that he would sweat a bit for an hour, struggle to describe a weakness in words that didn't make it sound weak and leave him feeling as cheap and dirty as a second-hand trowel, before he was sent scurrying back with a guilty feeling and a bunch of flowers for Swansea's jilted fans.
So while on one level it is laudable that John Dubya, Liverpool's owner, is being open and straightforward about the approaches he is making to potential successors to King Kenny, he may also want to consider how the whole process is making the club look laughable. Particularly after Liverpool's official website took to Twitter this afternoon to ask fans who they wanted as manager. A tweet that was quickly deleted when the guffaws that followed it almost broke the internet. With this kind of incompetence, any one would think Fenway Sports Group had never run a football club before. Eh? Oh.
The new ruthless FSG was supposed to be professional. It could be that the Anfield janitor is in charge of the Twitter feed now that every one else has been sacked. That would just about explain such staggering incompetence. Expect a raft of rejections from Pep Guardiola, Didier Deschamps, Jurgen Klopp, Fabio Capello, Roberto Martinez, Ringo Starr, Edd the Duck and Craig from Big Brother unless Fenway buck their ideas up.
Expect those Yanks Out banners to get a second airing too.
FIVER LETTERS
"Surely the obvious choice for the vacant Liverpool manager's job is indie-rock songstress kd lang. Look at all the money FSG would save by not having to buy a whole new set of personalised manager's gear" – Dermot McDermott
"May I be the first of 1,057 pedants to inform you that your description of Andy Reid as a 5ft 4in, 15 stone, 58 goals a season player is inaccurate. He actually only scored 4 goals this season" – Nick Playfair.
"Oh Jimbo, indeed (yesterday's last line). From posh gelato in a Rome cafe to raw scallops in a dingy stadium kitchen. And Robbie Savage mugging for the camera as a sidekick. How the mighty have fallen" – Mike Wilner.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Aston Villa appear to be basing their coaching policy on All Star Mr and Mrs, after Randy Lerner flew Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and his wife into Birmingham to discuss the club's managerial vacancy.
Leighton Baines says homesickness won't be a problem for him during Euro 2012, after rumours that was the reason why he missed out on the 2010 World Cup. "There was stuff that was said around that time that was really taken out of context. It will be nice to put that to bed," he sniffed, apparently not having considered what a summer in Ukraine with EBLJT, Mr Roy and Gareth Barry will be like.
David Beckham says he wants to compete at the Olympics on merit and nothing else. "Any time I have been asked about shirt sales and filling stadiums, I've never said it is disrespectful but it's the kind of question I have felt is," said the man who moved to America for footballing reasons.
STILL WANT MORE?
You've heard his voice, now see him in person! Top Guardian journalist [sic] Gregg Bakowski looks like a mid-90s indie rock star as he tells you who he thinks should be the next manager of Liverpool. Clue: it's not Alex McLeish
Ewan Murray was only a nipper when Hibs took on Hearts 116 years ago but since then he has enjoyed some choice encounters and he crosses his legs, lights a pipe and recounts them for you in this week's Joy of Six.
Authority's David Lacey reckons Chelsea v Bayern Munich is not really a tale of Anglo-German rivalry and who are we to argue?
While chalkboard jockey David Pleat reckons Chelsea will have to cross their fingers, wear a four-leaf clover and an onion in their belt if they are to stop Bayern's two wide boys.
Barney Ronay continues in his brave attempt to make the world's longest conjoined adjective: this time his subjects are Roy Hodgson and John Updike.
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CO-AUTHORED BY TOM BRYANT AND JAUNTY
انسخ الكود التالى و ضعه فى موقعك او مدونتك.
