Today's tittle-tattle needs a hair cut, pronto
Having seen how well promoting the No2 has worked for Blackburn Rovers and Wolves, Barcelona followed their example last week by giving Pep Guardiola's job to Tito Vilanova. But fears are emerging about how much damage José Mourinho's poke to Vilanova's eye actually caused, for it appears that his crack solution for the defence that can't defend is to sign a defender who can't defend: step forward, in your size 15 clown shoes, David Luiz! Sideshow Dave has excelled under Roberto Di Matteo at Chelsea, it says here, although it doesn't specify precisely what he has excelled at. Chelsea will replace his hair with Marouane Fellaini's. Barcelona also want a left-back and could sign Gareth Bale if he stops pretending to be David Silva. Failing that, Valencia's Jordi Alba will do.
Roy Hodgson is still the England manager. Bad luck the Sun! Luckily Harry Redknapp says he isn't bothered at all and never wanted the job in the first place and it would probably get in the way of his comedy work and Sandra could have scored that and the FA smells and anyway he turned them down, so it's honestly not a big deal. Yeah. Weep not for Brave Harry, nation's press.
Who remembers Michael Owen? Nicolas Anelka, that's who. The Shanghai Shenhua coach is desperate to reunite the glorious Liverpool team of 2002 and is planning swoops for Owen, Vladimir Smicer, Djimi Traoré, Abel Xavier and Gérard Houllier. Owen, who last broke out into a light jog in 2001, is unlikely to be offered a new contract by Manchester United this summer and was apparently a big hit during their pre-season tour of the Far East in 2009, effortlessly filling the Dong Fangzhuo role. Another man on his way out of Old Trafford is Park Ji-sung but Nemanja Vidic's agent insists the Serbian defender is going nowhere, despite interest from Juventus.
With Ledley King currently about as deadly as a kitten with a water pistol, Tottenham have turned their attentions to signing a new defender. Ajax's Jan Vertonghen, available for £7m, fits the bill and Spurs are set to beat Arsenal and Manchester City to his signature. Newcastle are leading the race for AZ Alkmaar's Swedish ace Rasmus Elm. He'll cost them £8m but Liverpool are also keeping tabs on the midfielder, which poses a tricky conundrum for Alan Pardew: should you ever sign a player spotted by Kenny Dalglish?
Ezequiel Lavezzi is set to leave Napoli after a dispute with the owner Aurelio de Laurentiis. He'll join Chelsea or Manchester City for £26m. He'll join Manchester City for £26m. When Blackburn are relegated, Junior Hoilett will swan off to one of Arsenal, Bayern Munich or Tottenham, while Martin Olsson will join Galatasaray. Wolves are already relegated but Terry Connor still wants to be their manager, which is sweet. Read More
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