THE FIVER 'THINKS IT'S TIME TO PUT THE HURT ON THE UKRAINE'
The time has come. In Donetsk this afternoon they will start their journey, full of dangerous intent and come-and-have-a-go-if-you-think-you're-hard-enough swagger. But their future is easy to predict: within an hour and a half their soaring ambitions will have been exposed, their lack of serious firepower or sufficient stamina made painfully evident and they will be brought emphatically back to earth.
Yes, The Fiver is talking about the Sukhoi Su-27 fighter jets that will patrol the skies above Ukraine's fifth-largest city while England's heroic lions thrash France in the first leg of their romp to Euro 2012 glory.
Across town in the Donbass Arena, Roy Hodgson's chosen few will face opponents of a markedly inferior stature, a disorganised rabble who attack with no obvious tactic, are lacking any true sense of leadership and will surely be swatted aside with the contempt they deserve.
Yes, The Fiver is talking about the plague of midges that have descended on the city as temperatures soar and forced England's brave lions to interrupt training yesterday to apply insect repellant (in a manly way).
Talking of England's training sessions, Hodgson has been detailing the manic intensity of his side's preparations for this most key of fixtures. "The days have been so intensive," he revealed, "there have been quite a few where there has been absolutely no down time at all." Coincidentally this revelation came just as the FA were uploading to YouTube a video showing in graphic detail this lack of any down time at all. In the windowless basement of their Krakow hotel, Joe Hart, Theo Walcott and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain play table tennis; Andy Carroll enjoys a game of darts with Phil Jagielka; Phil Jones and Ashley Cole play Fifa on a large flatscreen television – and a lonely James Milner watches Russia play the Czech Republic on an enormous cinema-style screen. The beads of sweat on their overworked brows are literally not evident at all.
Elsewhere, the rival coaches have engaged in what can only be termed a massive chest-beating all-out hype-mongering blusterbuss. "To the players my message is going to be: 'I think you're ready, I think you're good enough – but don't get suicidal if things don't work out for you'," roared Hodgson. "We're no longer one of the top sides in European football, and there are others who are better than us in these finals," tub-thumped Laurent Blanc.
Blanc may not have a particularly high opinion of his own football team, but he's got an even lower one of England's. "If we play the English way it will be 0-0 and we might get a goal from a set-piece," he alleged, insisting: "There will be two very different footballing philosophies on show." And a plague of midges, and patrolling jet fighters, and – we're hearing – the surprise presence of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain in England's starting line-up.
Should be quite an evening.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The Italians knew that dry grass, which is slower, was the best tactic for them. And if there is no agreement between the two teams then it is not irrigated, regardless of whether Real Madrid or Barcelona water their pitches two hours before every game" - Polish Football Federation president Grzegorz Lato responds to Spanish bleating in the wake of the defending champions' draw with Italy in Gdansk yesterday, after assorted Spain players blamed the pitch for their inability to beat Italy, rather than their manager's decision to field a starting XI with no strikers.
TRAPPED, LIKE A TRAP IN A TRAP
Fourteen matches, 11 clean sheets and one elementary plan. That is what Republic O'Ireland took into Euro 2012 and that is why we are already pretty sure what they are going to take out of it: zero points. Over 20,000 brilliantly boisterous fans can't compensate for the intransigence of one pig-headed manager.
Last night's shambles in Gdansk, in which Croatia beat Ireland without ever having to be more than competent, was a humiliation waiting to happen. Ireland's much-vaunted meanness in defence coming into the tournament was not the fruit of a canny system, rather a curio created by freakish individual heroism and luck, neither of which could have been considered sustainable by anyone but the most incorrigible of dogmatists. And yet, even as Croatia dissected Ireland through the simple device of accurate passes, it is unlikely that Giovanni Trapattoni ever questioned his decision to totally ignore Wes Hoolahan, who may not be a world-beater but at least has imagination and technique, qualities that even 73 years on earth have not taught Trappatoni to appreciate.
And even when Stephen Ward – a forward converted into a left-back as some kind of booby-trapped gift from former Ireland manager Mick McCarthy – was shanking the ball into the path of grateful Croatians, it is unlikely that Trapattoni lamented leaving out Seamus Coleman, Stephen Kelly or even Ian Harte. Still, at least Kelly was in the ground, possibly debating with James McClean as to who should be the first to pilfer an inflatable knobbly stick from a crestfallen fan and bring it down with suitably ineffective force on the head of Trapattoni.
It's all very well claiming that Trap has done well to get Ireland to the final, but when all they had to do to get there was sidestep Armenia and Estonia, their presence does represent proof that the manager is maximising his resources. That is not to say they could be European champions, just that they could be a darn sight more palatable than the dog's dinner served up last night.
"Spain is another game and then we have to think very, very much," jibbered Trapattoni ahead of what will either be one of the most astonishing results in the history of tournament sport ... or another Irish defeat. "If I decide to change, it will not be because a player played badly or does not deserve to play," continued Trap, hinting that he may
change his thinking, but fooling no one: he hinted the same after admitting that Ireland had been flukey to avert an unholy thrashing at the hands of Hungary in their final warm-up game, yet still issued last night's victory invitation to Croatia.
"We were expecting this kind of results," gushed Slaven Bilic on behalf of everyone except Trapattoni. "We knew everything about this Irish team, we knew we were the better team, but you never know before the match," continued Bilic, somewhat less coherently. But still making a lot more sense than Trapattoni.
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: The Fiver's packing its toothbrush, soap, flannel, razor blades, horse tranquillisers and 25l bottle of Special Mouthwash for Euro 2012 (Friday's Fiver). So, no toothpaste for the toothbrush or water for the soap? I don't think the 25l of mouthwash is going to last anywhere near 23 days, unless you intend on recycling" - Craig Hills.
"Can I register my complete agreement with Fran Callaghan's comments about the quality of financial puns in yesterdays Fiver? We are, like it or lump it, in a period of recession in terms of both the economy and finance based puns. A floater in the pan for all concerned. Well done that man for exercising some austerity" - Glenn McGrath.
"Re: the Fiver's assertion that Fifa at least 'waits until a major tournament starts before exposing itself as a shambles' (Friday's Fiver). Can I be one of 1,056 pedants to ask whether this is this the Fifa that has awarded the 2022 World Cup to Qatar - thereby exposing itself as a shambles a good 11 years before the tournament starts?" - Tom Herne (and no other pedants).
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
We heard Roberto Di Matteo was going to be announced as Chelsea's new manager yesterday, but he wasn't. Then we heard Roberto Di Matteo was going to be announced as Chelsea's new manager today, but he hasn't been so far. If nothing else, it gives us a reason to get up tomorrow.
Croatia striker Mario Mandzukic celebrated last night's brace against the Republic of Ireland by engaging in what can only be described as 'banter' (translation: unfunny ribbing) with his old man. "He was telling me that I needed to improve my headers, it was a part of my game he was certain I needed to get better at," he said, before asking: "Are you satisfied now dad?"
Marouane Fellaini has insisted he is happy with life at Goodison Park while simultaneously managing to convey the impression he would be like it more elsewhere. ""If I have got to go, I will go, if not, I repeat, I am at Everton," he told a Belgian radio station, shortly before the DJ played the latest experimental offering from Die Anarchistische Abendunterhaltung.
And perhaps in a bid to have his name become synonymous with something other than that penalty miss 14 years ago, former Sunderland and England full-back Micky Gray got his head surgically re-thatched live on the internet earlier today. You can see how it all went here.
STILL WANT MORE?
Have you heard the one about the Englishmen, the Irishman and the Englishwoman? They've been flapping their gums on all things football in the latest edition of Football Daily.
Sid Lowe on the shark-jumping art-school project that is the strikerless Spanish football team.
Franck Ribery as the Mona List is one of many underwhelming lowlights of this week's Gallery: your England v France predictions. Now send us your pictures of the tournament thus far.
Amy Lawrence on yet more line-fluffing from poor Fernand'oh! Torres.
"It is hard to see a winner here." Richard Williams is talking about England, obviously, but specifically the decision to pick ITPG EBJT.
Danny Taylor did a webchat to preview France v England. You can read it here. You're welcome.
"Persuasive presentations", Spanish digs and losers all feature in our daily round up of the European papers
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DID WE EVER THINK WE'D SEE THE DAY?
انسخ الكود التالى و ضعه فى موقعك او مدونتك.
