SILENT MOVIES, ALL-TOO-LOUD PRESS CONFERENCES
With Chelsea proving in midweek that it is more productive to go out and play Barcelona without first stuffing 10 metres of absorbent two-ply tissue down each sock in preparation for the inevitable little mid-game beige accidents, it's been a humbling week for Catalan bunnies and Big Cup pessimists Manchester United. So no surprises that wily old fox Sir Alex Ferguson has spent the day deflecting attention towards something much less embarrassing for them: the slapstick stylings of Ashley Young, a subject he's suddenly perfectly happy to talk about all day long.
Young, lest we forget, has recently taken to re-enacting his favourite routine from the early days of Hollywood. You may know it: it's the one where Stan Laurel stands on some marbles, is sent skittering across a room at high speed, and grabs hold of a curtain to slow down, only to bring curtain, curtain rail, and all other associated decorations down on his head as he crumples to the floor. It's a masterclass of comic timing. Sadly, with soft furnishings on the field of play currently outlawed by Fifa, Young has been forced to showcase this sketch without props, and his performance is accidentally leading to dodgy spot kicks all over the shop. Penalty against QPR! Penalty against Villa! Oh Ashley!
With genuine concerns that Young may try to recreate the famous Harold Lloyd clock scene against Everton on Sunday, by grabbing on to Marouane Fellaini's face and theatrically dangling his little legs in the air while crying, Ferguson has moved swiftly to put a stop to his player's antics. "I have had a word with Ashley," he announced today. "He understands where we are coming from. Hopefully it makes a difference."
But Fergie was not the only manager raving about Young's ersatz tribute to the era of hammy comic acting. Across town, outgoing Manchester City boss Robert Mancini was making thinly veiled references to the incidents, via the medium of ostentatious shrug. "After some of the situations I saw in the last three or four weeks, I think it is really difficult for us." Eh? "In Italy, we say 'Every place is the same'." Y'what? "The rules are not the same for everyone." So United are getting all the decisions, is that what you mean? "I don't want to say this. I said the rules, maybe sometimes, are different." Ach, let's leave him to it, we'll be here all day and none the wiser.
Nevertheless, the Fiver hopes that City are gifted a ludicrous decision or two this weekend. Partly to level things up, so Mancini has nothing to obliquely moan about any more. But mainly because we'd like to see Carlos Tevez pretending to be chased through the penalty area by a collapsing car with a human pyramid of policemen balanced on top of it, before falling down an open manhole.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have no reason to talk to any of my players about going to ground" – Roberto Di Matteo confirms that Didier Drogba must be leaving Chelsea.
THEN AND NOW
Sir Alex Ferguson today: "We didn't get [a penalty] against Wigan during the week. We didn't scream from the rooftops about it. It happens. We got one given against us for Newcastle, we didn't scream about that either. You get bad decisions and good ones. Believe me, it does even itself out."
Sir Alex Ferguson following aforementioned Newcastle game in November: "The penalty decision was an absolute travesty. The referee saw the incident and gave a corner, and he was in a far better position to judge than the assistant because he was only about eight yards away. I don't think anyone in the ground apart from the assistant thought it was a penalty, but he then let the linesman overrule him. I could not understand the decision at all. Everyone, including the referee, was astounded when the linesman put his flag up. He was put in a terrible position. Why can't the referee overrule it when he is only eight yards away? It is not for me to decide whether the assistant referee gets another game again but it was an absolutely shocking decision. It costs you, a decision like that. Two years ago, when the linesman gave the offside goal against Chelsea, it cost us the league, so hopefully we're not saying that at the end of May."
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: James Chart's rhetorical question as to whether the Fiver ever reports on teams below the Championship level (yesterday's Fiver letters). The answer, given the Fiver's extensive coverage of Blackeye Rovers this season, is an emphatic (and unfortunate) yes" – Mike Wilner.
"I don't think James Chart has been reading the Fiver. Its reporting has been well below Championship level for years" – Kristopher Nordstrom.
"Re: yesterday's last line. Are you always that passionate about your spending or just a bit stingy?" – David Fortune.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Sheffield United and Wales forward Ched Evans has been jailed for five years after being found guilty of r@ping a woman who was "too drunk to consent" to $ex, at Caernarfon crown court. Co-accused Port Vale defender Clayton McDonald was found not guilty.
Having been involved in the signing of Fernando Torres while at Chelsea, current Hamburg technical director Frank Arnesen is set to make himself a Liverpool hero by attempting to prise Dirk Kuyt from Anfield. "He is a real team player," Arnesen drooled.
Barcelona may as well pack up their bags and head to the beach if they lose to Real Madrid in El Clasico, is the gist of what Xavi has said in the run-up to the title-defining clash. "If we lose, well, Madrid will have wrapped it up, so it is all or nothing," he sniffed, hunting out his bucket and spade.
Bill Ng has withdrawn his bid for Pope's O'Rangers. American Bill Miller has instead launched an £11.2m bid for the club.
Like Elvis Costello, Cheik Tiote doesn't want to go to Chelsea. Unlike Mr Costello, he has added a north-east bias to his comments: "My future is at Newcastle," he crooned.
'Arry Redknapp says Gareth Bale will not be doing one to Barcelona, despite being given the glad eye by Dani Alves. "He is happy here with us at the moment," reckons 'Arry.
And Darren Bent is set to be fit for England's Euro 2012 elimination after all. "Darren is bang on course," boomed Aston Villa manager Big 'Alex McLeish' Eck.
STILL WANT MORE?
Why were the 1934 and 1978 World Cups in Italy and Argentina a total farce? Scott Murray's Joy of Six has the answer.
Is there really much money in Big Cup? Proper journalist David Conn has the answer.
What do Wigan and Chelsea have in common? David Lacey has the answer.
And what's the best way to lose £94.95 over the course of a Football League season? Abject tipster James Dart has the answer.
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