BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY
Sombreros with extra wide brims aloft to Manchester City, for so long a Mancunian laughing stock and object of derision, who have finally emerged from the shadow of their more successful neighbours to win their first league title for 44 years.
Yes, of course the Fiver is contractually obliged to churlishly point out that they bought the title, unlike comparative paupers such as Manchester United, Chelsea and Blackeye Rovers, whose transfer policies and wage structures have long relied on their ability to attract top players with the promise of magic beans. But even for an outlay of £800m, the Premier League still takes some winning and when a club and its fans are as inured to self-destruction as all who sail in the good ship City, no amount of money spent can render them immune to the potential for a heroically unthinkable last-day comedy face-palm.
Tasked with the simple brief of having to beat the team with the worst away record in the league in a fortress where they'd won 17 out of 18 league games this season, it came as no huge surprise to anyone familiar with City's history of tragicomedy that they still came within a whisker of making a pig's ear so monumentally embarrassing of the job that no amount of the inevitable silverware they'll pick up in the future would have compensated those associated with and forced to witness the shame.
"I think it was a crazy finish for a crazy season," said a relieved Roberto Mancini, after his side came from 2-1 down against 10-man QPR to snatch the title. "I have never seen a final day like this. The best team won the title. I think we played the best football, conceded less goals, scored more goals, beat United two times."
As Manchester United's players sit down for their end-of-season dinner tonight (menu: humble pie and sour grapes), the new champions will be celebrating through the streets of Manchester on an open-top bus, which the Fiver is going to go out on a limb and predict will end in some sort of headline-grabbing farce involving Mario Balotelli wearing a policeman's hat.
Before taking to the field late doors to pepper QPR's goal with shots and set up a goal, the Italian had a brief cameo in the dismissal of Joey Barton, with a futile attempt to square up to the feckless QPR skipper who was dismissed for swinging a retaliatory elbow at Carlos Tevez, then kicked Sergio Aguero and attempted to nut Vincent Kompany on his way back to the dressing room. "Can do nothing but apologise to the players and the fans. Still don't think its a sending off," Joey said on Twitter, before embarking on a critique of Alan Shearer's critique of his dismissal on Match of the Day, in which he labelled his one-time manager at Newcastle "selfish", "boring", "a pr!ck', "a bell" and then pointed out, for the benefit of anyone who might not have got the hint that he'd "never liked him".
But for all of Joey's ultimately futile attempts to help relegate his team and make yesterday about him (he tried to make today about him by getting stuck into Gary Lineker and threatening to look at his "vast closet of skeletons"), the day belonged emphatically to Manchester City and their fans … apart from those who left the most thrilling game in City's history of comedy pratfalls before its dramatic finale, presumably on the grounds that if they couldn't manage to beat QPR, at least they'd beat the traffic. D'oh!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Tarantino could not have scripted it any better" - former Manchester City player Asa Hartford tries to make sense of the amazing title-race twist by saying it could have been scripted by a man who has no reputation for final-reel twists whatsoever.
BYE BYE BIG ECK
Bad news slumber fans: Big 'Alex McLeish' Eck has been sacked by Aston Villa - thus making it 895% more likely that any attempts to snooze at Villa Park next season will be interrupted by things like "goal celebrations", "cheers" and "things of vague interest". In McLeish's defence, he did have injuries and illness to contend with but to offset that he couldn't even be bothered to let his team succumb to entertaining thrashings - instead doling our draw after draw (Liverpool lost as many league games as Villa this season, although that's another story).
"The club has been disappointed with this season's results, performances and the general message these have sent to our fans," said Villa, in a statement almost as dry and lifeless as a McLeish-inspired 0-0 draw. "The board wishes to assure supporters that we are conscious in every sense that Villa expects and deserves more and we will strive to deliver this."
FIVER LETTERS
"I see that Joey Barton has added to his sins by questioning whether St Alan of Shearer is qualified to comment on his misbehaviour yesterday. As some readers may be too young to remember the incident to which he refers, could you do a public service by posting a link to the great one's attempt to 'free his foot' so we can all judge for ourselves? This one will do. I think it's quite clear - after all, when the FA cleared His Holiness the England Captain just before the World Cup, his club manager said that 'the good guy's been vindicated', and when has Kenny Dalglish ever been wrong about the conduct of one of the players in his charge?" - Simon Cherry.
"Pedant patrol here for Mike Wilner. Re Gael Clichy's sudden, and supposed, change in stature (Friday's letters). The Fiver was merely employing the rhetorical device of hyperbole, whereby emphasis is created through a blatant distortion, or exaggeration, of events. Signifiers that this might be the case are the improbability of a grown male changing drastically in height and the statement's reproduction in a half-funny tea-timely e-mail. Next time, please don't call unless it's a real emergency" - Matt O'Sullivan.
"Is Mike Wilner really Paul Jurdeczka in disguise? You never see letters from each of them in the same edition of Fiver" - Chris Threlfall.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Gary Neville will be on hand to tell Roy Hodgson exactly how England effed up at Euro 2012, after being appointed to the national team's coaching staff. "I had absolutely no hesitation in accepting this role and I am relishing the opportunity to work alongside Roy and the team at the Euros and through to the next two tournaments," said Neville, even though no one ever actually says "relishing" in real life and only ever uses it in carefully worded press releases.
A sad day for Arsenal fans everywhere: Ruud van Nistelrooy has retired from football at the age of 35.
Dirk Kuyt won't be returning to Feyenoord any time soon, says Dirk Kuyt. "If I returned to Holland, I would have to take an 80% cut in my Liverpool wages," he beancounted.
And Norwich chief executive David McNally is ready to chin anyone who tries to poach their manager Paul Lambert. "We'll do everything we can and fight this as hard as we've ever fought," he said.
STILL WANT MORE?
Join AC Jimbo and friends for a woof-tastic edition of Football Weekly.
Do your bit for democracy by voting in our end-of-season awards - a poll so popular it broke the website at lunchtime.
"Vicious, thoughtless and selfish": Jacob Steinberg gives Joey Barton some love as part of Five things we learned from the Premier League this weekend.
Raphael Honigstein reflects on Bayern Munich's shellacking in the German Cup final.
Paolo Bandini dries his eyes, mate, to report on Juventus' emotional farewell to their beloved Alessandro Del Piero.
And Sid Lowe sheds a tear or two as he ponders where it all went wrong for Villarreal in La Liga.
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THE SHAME OF LOSING TO THE DAILY MAIL IN A PENALTY SHOOTOUT< Read More
انسخ الكود التالى و ضعه فى موقعك او مدونتك.
