Today's piffle is no James Dean
Some times nice guys just don't cut it. It's the reason Steve Carrell's painfully polite cherry was still intact in the 40-year-old Virgin; and why the endearingly awkward Jesse Eisenberg was spurned by Kristen Stewart in Adventureland in favour of the older fella' who's a bit thick but good at fixing things. Which brings the Mill's mind to Roberto Martínez, Wigan and Dave Whelan. After three years together, it appears Whelan is painfully bored with his little latin Johnny Sensitive. So mind-achingly turned off that for two years he has been hawking him around to anyone who will take him, revealing the Spaniard's every move and fictitious thought and letting Aston Villa, Liverpool and, erm, oh that's it. Well, anyway, letting them know at every stage that Martínez is AVAILABLE. "He's really great and I love him and don't want to lose him but HE IS AVAILABLE" is the message broadcast daily from Château Whelan. For £3m too. Which is quite pricey when you consider Robert Redford only wanted $1m for Demi Moore at her peak in Indecent Proposal.
So who is the bad boy that Whelan wants back so badly? The cheating, lying, Robert Downey Junior-like conniving hunk who he just can't get past? Steve Bruce. Yup. Steve Bruce. The man who has walked out on Whelan and Wigan twice, treating the Hubris Stadium like a park bench, resting for a while, enjoying the sunshine and sodding off before the weather turns nasty. According to the Daily Mirror, the serial football club adulterer (seven clubs in 12 years, people) is in line for the job again if Martínez will just get it over with and jump into bed with Liverpool. Hull won't be happy. They were waiting patiently for Bruce. But being nice gets you nowhere.
Elsewhere in manager news, West Brom hope to fill the extensively-travelled-former-Inter-manager shaped hole that has been left behind by Roy Hodgson, with Claudio Ranieri. The 60-year-old was sacked by the Serie A club in March and doesn't appear to have ever managed the Baggies before, so it's a new challenge at least.
Manchester City fancy a flamboyant right-back who will play higher up the pitch than Sergio Agüero and are therefore packaging up £12m and Aleksandar Kolarov in exchange for Barcelona's Daniel Alves. Which is a bit like giving a man with one right leg a tenner and a left shoe.
Arsène Wenger, meanwhile, has his eyes on the man who plundered the goals to bring Montpellier their first ever Ligue 1 title, Olivier Giroud. The Arsenal manager hopes to trigger a £12.8m release clause in the striker's contract by offering Montpellier £6m and Marouane Chamakh. In case you've forgotten, he's the shambling forward whose record of one goal last season almost makes Emile Heskey look prolific. Good luck with that one.
Manchester United's manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, still reckons the best way to deal with the abyss that has opened up in the middle of the Old Trafford pitch is not by signing a midfielder who can fill it, but instead by getting in a nippy little fella who will circumvent it, skip over it, duck and weave and stay the hell out of there. He has upped his bid for Borussia Dortmund's Shinji Kagawa to £13m.
Queens Park Rangers bigwigs have checked Jermaine Jenas's twitter feed and found absolutely no Morrissey lyrics, pseudo-intellectual quotes, references to art, Plato or insults that involve the word helmet. It's delightfully dull. Therefore they will send £4m the way of Tottenham in the hope that the injury-plagued midfielder can replace ban-addict Joey Barton.
And in other odds and sods, Hulk is preparing to hand in a transfer request at Porto to force through a £35m move to Chelsea, where he will bully Fernando Torres back on to the bench. Southampton are hoping £6.5m fat ones will prise away Lancashire-born but fancy foreign-sounding striker, Jay Rodriguez, from Burnley. And Everton have eyes for Lillestrom's Icelandic striker Bjorn Bergmann, although after watching him in Thursday night's 0-0 draw with Aalesund, David Moyes may want to pretend he was looking at some one else, such as FC Copenhagen's Dame N'Doye. The 27-year-old striker has been linked with a £6.5m move to Goodison Park. Read More
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